I have sat here thinking, what do I want to write. At times I even had what I wanted to write about and then something happened, and I didn't want to write or even think.
    This past month has been a test of my strength in so many different ways. It has also made me realize things that I didn't want to face but sometimes you have no choice.
    As a mother your instinct is to protect your children from everything so they don't have to feel any pain, that's not always the case. And when you can't protect them all you can do is be there to comfort them even if your own heart is breaking.
   Last month started out good, was thinking that ok the year hasn't been off to a bad start. Was hoping for this year to be better than the last two years.... life has a way of making it's own plans wheter you like them or not.
    Everything was great, we celebrated our son's 15th year, work is going good, plans to take at least two vacations this year. How quickly things can change.... and I know this oh so well.
     It was a normal day, amazing hubby makes coffee, sends the boys off to school. I get up go to work and for some reason I wasn't feeling it, so I was keeping to myself. Lunch time came and I decided to go out for lunch. Got my food and just sat down to eat and then I get a call. It's my hubby, so I'm happy (how quickly it changes) first words out of his mouth "there's an emergency". Immediately my mind thinks oh great his job, "what's going on babe?" "Adrian got hit by a car" My heart drops, I immediately stop thinking, "I'm on my way". Heading to the hospital was one of the longest drives, even after my husband called and said he's ok but still getting him checked out. I trust and believe him but I still had to see for my own eyes. Get there and he's still strapped in to the backboard and has the thing to keep his head from moving. He looks ok, doesn't look like he's in pain, nothing broken, I begin to relax. Thank God he was ok, just some bumps and bruises.
     Next day I think to myself, ok back to routine. Day goes by without any surprises..... that is till I'm heading home. My brother calls me, says grandpa isn't doing to well, not sure how much longer he can hold on. Tell him ok, I'll be there tomorrow. The next day I leave work early so we can go visit grandpa. Get there and I can see he isn't looking to good. I've seen this two times before and I know without a doubt that it won't be much longer. Doesn't make it any easier. Make my plans to go back over the weekend, the weekend comes and saturday the weather is not my friend so I call and say I'll be there tomorrow. Sunday comes, I'm laying bed relaxing, then I tell myself ok time to get up and get moving. I get a call, don't recognize the number so I don't pickup. They leave a message, just as I'm about to check it they call back, so I'm like ok it must be important so I answer. It's my cousin. "hey cuz" "hey what's going on?" "grandpa just passed away" "ok, I'm on my way" So we start getting ready to head over. Before we head out I tell the boys and I hate it. I hate that we have had to deal with so much death in our family. We get there and I'm just kind of still like wow. My grandpa, a man I love just as much as my father is gone.....and I hate it. But instead of feeling sorry for myself, my mind goes into ok keep busy. So I start seeing what I can do to help and it makes me feel better. What doesn't make me feel good is to see everyone hurting and I can't fix it. That's another thing I hate.
                 Family ALWAYS comes first. At least for me it does. 
     As if we weren't still in shock that grandpa was gone, a man that always seemed bigger than life to me. Let's add in something else just for good measure. Two days after grandpa passed away, I get another call that Aunt Janie passed away. I couldn't believe it. I had just seen her two days ago. It was shocking. I wasn't to sure how to react. So I just take it in, hold my head up and just keep moving. It's all I can do.
       The worst things about funerals is the finality of it. The knowing that it is over. They are gone and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it.
    Not sure why I feel the need to be there to comfort people even if I'm hurting. Why I want to protect the people I care about from hurting no matter how small. But the truth of it is I can't, I can't always protect the people I love and care about it no matter how much I want to. And as much I want to take away the hurt and do whatever I can so they don't have to, it won't happen. So all I can do is continue to be strong for my family and friends, be there whenever they need me.
    Wow. I think I rambled on a bit. LOL!! I guess I had a lot to say. And the whole point of this blog is.... love the people that matter, laugh, live for today and most important leave the drama alone. At the end of the drama and the people that create it are not worth it and it takes time away from the people and things that really matter.
   Love, Smiles and stay drama free! Besos a todos

Fifteen

Fifteen years ago, God blessed me with my first son. That doesn't sound to bad right? And it hasn't been. I have been blessed with an amazing son.

  "You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them." ~Desmond Tutu

 As the doctor put my son in my arms I knew my life was changed forever. I was 17 and scared out of my mind.
I didn't know the first thing about being a parent, but this was a choice I made when I decided I wanted to act like a grown up. I decided to raise my son, it wasn't going to be easy, but it's what I choose to do.
Thankfully my wonderfully amazing parents were there to help me out. My mom would take care of Adrian so that I could go to school. My parents wanted to make sure I finished school, and hopefully go to college. Needless to say, things don't always go the way we want or hope.
Finishing school with an infant is one of the hardest things, I don't recommend it. LOL. However, it made me a stronger person. Gave me direction and purpose. Before my son, I had no clue what I wanted to do, then I knew I had to do something.
Being a teenage parent is hard work. It really aggravates me when I see these young kids that claim to be such good parents but never seem to have their child with them. If you have a child then you need to be the one raising the child, not saying you have to be home every single day, but you wanted to play grown up, well raising your child is being a grown up.
That being said, there were things that I wasn't able to do because I had to be responsible and take care of my son. Do I regret it? Absolutely not! Having my son was the best thing in the world, and if I had to do it all over I would.
Becoming a mom was the best thing in the world for me. I've learned just how strong I can be, and because of that I have been able to get thru some pretty rough times (not to mention with my wonderful husband by my side).
Happy Birthday Adrian! Thank you for changing my life and making me a better person! I love you more than you know!